29th

So we're in what is essentially one of the low points of 2007. There's no massive reason for this happening. Most areas of my life are running smoothly. The biggest issue I currently have is the anxiety I'm feeling towards Beth. I've finally realised that I'm going through a bout of depression and it's messing with my feelings and thoughts. I just want to snap out of it and be happy. Times like now I feel full of rage and want to lash out. It's hard to see when things are going to be good again.

My birthday is around the corner and I'm feeling really low. How will I feel this time next week? Maybe I'll have passed through the ditch or maybe it'll be just as bad. If that happens then it's pretty much a foregone conclusion that I'll have talked to her. What about at the end of the month/year? Will I still be feeling like this? Looking at the past, I probably won't. These cycles don't usually last that long. The thing about depression is that you aren't able to look to that period.

I've said many times in the past that a man cannot be happy unless to he a raison d'etre - a drive that pushes him forwards. I guess maybe that's something I could do with right now. I need something to powerful that it pushes any ill feelings out of the way. But what is it that I can move towards? Career is the obvious one. In the past pickup filled that role because I realised how brutally destructive it can be. Perhaps university will take up the position until the end of my exams, but it's not too inspiring. It won't stop me from making that phone call.

So if career is my core driver, what aspect of my career will it be? If I really want to succeed, I need to be focused like a laser and not spread myself too thinly. Things that inspire me at different times are:

* Game development

* Travel / exploration

* Politics / foreign affairs

* Business

* Success coaching

* Writing

Let's take each one in turn and see if I can clear my thinking a little bit.

GAME DEVELOPMENT

PROS	CONS
Working in a good team environment	Low pay for a long time
Promotion prospects	Long hours
Enthusiasm for the career	Being stuck on a bad game
Creating dream games

TRAVEL AND EXPLORATION

PROS	CONS
Visit many different countries	Not sure of career options / entry reqs
Learn about various cultures	Could just be idealised thinking
Meet extraordinary people	Not sure of pay

POLITICS / FOREIGN AFFAIRS

PROS	CONS
Meet like minded people	Good pay, doesn’t become excellent
Travel to different countries
Steady career

BUSINESS

PROS	CONS
Good salary prospects

SUCCESS COACHING

PROS	CONS
Get to help so many people	Need vast experience
Amazing pay potential	No career path
Meet so many people
Total career satisfaction

WRITING

PROS	CONS
Possible fulfilling (sub)career	Not sure if I have the passion for it

So that’s a good few options open to me. Obviously the important thing is to rip some of these apart and settle on what motivates me (or could motivate me) 100%. It’s something I can think on later.

What is interesting is right now I’m not focusing on negativity or feeling at all depressed. This is definitely what I have to feel more often. It just shows the importance of having a raison d’etre.

Last night I was a lot more aware of my sleep. I woke up in the early morning. This must have been the period where my deep sleep was finished. I still felt tired and went to sleep for another couple of hours. I kept waking up and had nothing but dreams. I was even more tired when I woke up. Usually I just embrace this and sleep on for as long as I can. Now I have to stop this as it’s in part causing my depression. Note also that most of my nightmares happen after I meet my required sleep. Of course to get myself out of bed, I’ll need a reason to do so. Lying around doing nothing won’t get me up. Maybe I could use this time to go for a walk – my hour of power as such.

Now I’ll go to the gym and get some exercise. Hopefully that’ll help maintain me feeling content.